Sorry folks, the Monday and Tuesday tours are closed!

A quick note about limits: I’ve put a strict limit of 20 people per tour (and even opened up a second tour due to popular demand!) because first off, I am not a licensed tour guide, and if I’m trying to walk more than 20 people around Florence and talk about stuff, it will raise eyebrows and I could get in trouble. (They’re pretty hardcore about being a licensed guide in Florence.) And since I’m leading everyone through what could be the pretty crowded streets of Florence, 20 is the max I can handle on my own—again, I’m not a trained tour guide. Also, we will be stopping for lunch and 20 is the max amount for the restaurant. On top of all that, the bus will only take 20 passengers for each of these daytime tours.

So I can’t have people tagging along who aren’t signed up. If you didn’t get a spot on either of these tours, below is the exact itinerary, so feel free to follow this on your own during the week!

Here’s our basic itinerary for our walking tour of Florence.

Limit: 20 people

As for all things in Italy, specifics are subject to change at a moment’s notice.

Eat breakfast at the castle.

9:00 or 10:00: the bus will pick us up at the castle and drive us into Florence.

We’ll start our tour by wandering a few steps from where the bus drops us off to Santa Maria Novella. You might remember this church from such train stations as, Firenze Santa MN… the train station you likely came into before coming to the castle.

I’ll stand here and talk at you about Santa Maria Novella. Topics include but are not limited to: why? Where? How? Who? And how did a, let’s face it, terrible student who really didn’t pay attention in class end up creating one of the most iconic works of art in Western art history? And what does Santa Maria Novella have to do with it? So many tantalizing mysteries to unfold!

Next we’ll wander down the swank Via de’ Tornabuoni, the most expensive shopping street in Florence. We’ve got your Gucci and your Prada and your Tiffany and your Fendi right up in here. Window shopping is the key to saving money, that’s a little tip from me to you.

At the end of Via de’ Tornabuoni, we’ll take a hop onto Ponte Santa Trinita for a gorgeous Ponte Vecchio photo op and some uplifting stories about World War II. (?)

We’ll sneak back up onto my very favorite street in all of Florence, Borgo Santi Apostoli, with a quick stop at the melancholy church of Chiesa dei Santi Apostoli and its Piazza del Limbo. Yes, this piazza always makes me cry. Just ask Pam.

As we walk down the quiet, medieval Borgo Santi Apostoli, we’ll be lulled into a false sense of calm and complacency until we suddenly pop out… right in front of the freaking UFFIZI of all goddamned places. There will be lines of people waiting to go in, but we will not be among them because eff that, am I right? We’ll then venture out into the infamous Piazza della Signoria. If there’s room and the waiters aren’t in a pissy mood, we’ll take a load off at the elegant Riviore to enjoy a spritz and/or a negroni, and a boring lecture from me about all of the things that went on in this very piazza… including, but not limited to: public executions! Riots! Sculpture installations! Soccer with body parts! And much much more.

After our spritz, we’ll wander over to the Palazzo Vecchio to hear some Medici gossip, gawk at the sculptures in the Loggia dei Lanzi, and see an amazing, hidden little gem that reminds you just how timeless this city is.

Next up: lunch at my favorite restaurant in all the world, Trattoria Buzzino.

We’ll cram our pie holes full of delicious delicious pasta, then probably order dessert, but somehow still feel like gelato.

We’ll keep on keepin’ on down the Via dei Neri, punch the tourists who ruin everything for everyone, and then hopefully pop into everyone else’s favorite gelato shop, Gelateria dei Neri. It is a very very good gelato shop. It really is.

Then we’ll wander into the Piazza Santa Croce and marvel at the Basilica of Santa Croce. Santa Croce is the final resting place for your BFFs Michelangelo, Machiavelli, Galileo, and more. There’s also a monument to Dante, who was kicked out of Florence for being TOO AWESOME probably. He’s actually buried in Ravenna, and the Florentines have never stopped being pouty about it.

Even though we literally just had gelato, I feel that this will be the perfect time for more gelato. We’ll meander on over to Vivoli, arguably the most famous gelataria in Florence. Is it good? Yes. Is it packed with tourists? Absolutely. Might you be up to your eyeballs in gelato already? Prolly.

Awesomely enough, right across the street from Vivoli is the building where Michelangelo lived. So you know, that’s great.

Then we’ll head up to Borgo degli Albizi via the charming Piazza di San Pier Maggiore, hop over to teeny tiny Chiesa di Santa Margherita dei Cerchi, otherwise known as Dante’s Church. Because it was! Also Beatrice is supposedly buried there, and if it’s open, we can wander inside. It is small and incredibly old. Hurray! Next, we’ll check out Dante’s house! OK it’s not really his house, but a reasonable facsimile of the house people think he might have lived in, in the location it maybe probably was.

After paying homage to Dante, we’ll hit the infamously unpronopunceable Via dei Calzaiuoli. We’ll admire Orsanmichele, which has the best facade in the entire world. I will not allow you to jump into any empty niches and pose for photos though. That’s not who I am, so don’t even suggest it.

We’ll continue up the street to the tiny little parish church of Santa Maria del Fiore, it’s belltower, and it’s Baptistry, which I’m sure you’ve never heard of or seen before, and I will talk about things of moderate interest to you.

From that little-visited piazza we’ll go up and take a gander at the Palazzo Medici Riccardi, the palazzo of one of the most famous families in the world, the Medici. Across the street is the Basilica di San Lorenzo, where a shit-ton of Medici and one Donatello are buried, and if there’s no line and everyone’s dressed appropriately, this could be the one church we quickly pop in to.

From San Lorenzo, we’ll go grocery shopping at the world’s greatest market, Mercato Centrale. This place used to be just a straight-up produce and meat market, and now it’s turned into that and SO MUCH MORE. So much more. You’re going to lose your mind, and maybe stock up for the Progressive Cocktail Hour on Tuesday night!

From Mercato Centrale, we’ll head on back to the piazza where it all started: Santa Maria Novella. If I’ve timed things right, we’ll end our little tour with a pint at my favorite pub in the entire world, The Fiddler’s Elbow. It is great and yes it’s an Irish pub and I don’t want to hear a single thing about it. (Kids are welcome inside.)

AND NOW it’s 16.00 or 17:00 and we meet the bus and go home and regale our friends and family with stories about how Kate wouldn’t shut up about the one time she and her students did that one thing that at the time was super funny but in retrospect is really offensive.