At the end of September, Pam and I took our vaccination cards, negative COVID tests, piles of masks, and starry-eyed optimism to Italy. Why? FOR YOU. WE DID IT FOR YOU, OK!? Not only did I want to test out my walking tour for the Monday daytime Florence walk, eat burritos, and drink a lot of beer, but I wanted to see if this castle thingie we’ve all been going on and on and on about for the past 568 years was actually real. So we rented a car and zoomed through the Tuscan countryside at breakneck speeds and ended up at the castle. OUR CASTLE.

Below you’ll find photos (if they’re good, they’re Pam’s. If they’re shit, they’re not), terrible videos, and a write-up of the entire process, from trams to rental cars to travel times to other stuff.

So pour yourself a cup of coffee, as I have to write this up, settle in, grab a dog (I don’t care whose, just grab one), and enjoy this little trip into the Tuscan sun. <vomit emoji>

The Tram and the Rental Car: A Love Story

Pam and I got up bright and early on a sunny Wednesday morning and decided to try out this whole tram —> airport —> rental car —> drive to castle and back again thing all the kids have been talking about on your tikgrams and such.

The tram was shockingly on time and incredibly easy, and it leaves every five minutes. You buy tickets right at the tram stop (our stop was the beginning of the line, right across from Santa Maria Novella), in a big metal box. It is super finicky with paper money — and it only accepts €5 and below notes — so use your card, especially if you’ve got that chip thingie where you only have to put the card face down on a thing and then it does a thing. SCIENCE! Tram tickets are €1.50 each. And don’t forget to validate them once you’re on the tram. The little machines are pretty obvious.

Just ride that tram to the end of the line (just like in the 70s), and you’ll end up at the airport. Or aeroporto as we say in Italy. Once you’re off the tram at the airport, for most rental agencies (EXCEPT FOR THE ONE I WENT WITH OF COURSE), there is a shuttle bus outside, right across from the main terminal. It’s outside a little building that says “rental cars,” and you’ll THINK the rental counters are in there but hahahahaha no they are not. The arrow under the big friendly letters of the “RENTAL CARS” sign points to where the bus is. If the bus isn’t there, just hang out until it gets back. Hop in — no fee — and jabronie will haul you and your luggage to a place far far away where most of the magical major rental car desks are awaiting your arrival. From there, it is the world’s easiest hop onto the freeway and to your dream castle in the hills of Tuscany.

I went with the rental car agency Noleggiare through VIP Cars, which has its own shuttle, which I didn’t read on my confirmation email because I don’t like to do things like “reading” and “preparing myself” and “doing things right the first time.” Because that, my friends, is for LOSERS. Anyways, we took the airport shuttle aaaaaaaaaall the way out to the rental car place, only to find that there is no Noleggiare counter there. And when I asked a very kind (just kidding, she wasn’t) lady at the Enterprise counter where I could find the Noleggiare counter, she was like, “JFC lady, read your goddamned confirmation email.” That email said to call them from the airport terminal, and they would send their own shuttle to pick me up. <EYEROLL EMOJI TO SPACE> Anyways, I called the number and the very kind (he actually was) man said he’d send the shuttle to the rental car place to pick us up. So Pam and I got nice and sunburnt until lo and behold, here comes the shuttle, where they drove us to some suburb and I was beginning to get nervous. But there was actually an office there, no one murdered us and made beer koozies from our skin, and an upgraded car (a MERCEDES CONVERTIBLE, BITCHES) was waiting for us because the Fiat I’d rented wasn’t working. 15 minutes later I was nervously nosing into Florentine traffic to get on the freeway.

Since there are two rules to driving in Italy: 1. never use your turn signal or you’ll flag yourself as a tourist, and 2. there are no rules, I eased in and went 1,000 miles an hour and Pam and I actually yelled and wooped our way to the castle. As I brilliantly predicted, it is VERY easy to hop on the freeway from where the airport is as opposed to the hellscape of renting a car by the train station, so tram —> airport —> car rental is absolutely the way to go.

The Castle

The drive to the castle was uneventful at worst, super easy and gorgeous and incredibly fun at best. I have literally never had so much fun driving in a foreign country, even though the Italians (probably unsurprisingly) tailgate even worse than the Scottish do. We were shocked at how quickly we got there — 30 minutes, MAYBE.

One thing I was surprised by are how many services and such there are very very close to the castle, including two restaurants the woman at the castle highly recommended. However, as you’ll see very quickly yourselves, there are no sidewalks and the roads are super windy (though not too busy, it seems), so walking anywhere means being very very careful.

You’ll drive down a long driveway, and on your left are the buildings that are separate from the main castle. Check your room assignments, because a few of you have requested to be out in these buildings. They are closer to the pool and not at ALL far from the main castle. Park wherever you can. Also if you don’t get choked up seeing that bell tower peeking above the trees than you have no soul.

Walking up the main steps into that HUGE gate is just indescribable. The office is well-marked and on the left, if you’re checking in. If not, text me when you get there and I’ll have your keys and hopefully a map showing me how to get to your room because this place — true to castle form — is a freaking MAZE. The outdoor areas are easy to get around in, but if you’re staying in the main castle omg. It is interesting.

Almost everything in the main area of the castle has stairs (except, I think, the outbuildings, but we didn’t get to see those so I don’t know for sure), so prepare for that both with packing and with prep before you come stay. And the stairs are like, 15th century stairs so hahahaha hooo boy.

And now… some terrible videos!

They’re in portrait mode which is absolutely driving me NUTS watching the playbacks of them, but you guys give me a break, I don’t even know what I was thinking. It was very hot. Leave me alone.

One thing to note in these videos is that they just had a big wedding party at the castle, so all but one of the apartments we see are either in the process of being cleaned or not yet cleaned.